Kerrie Murphy | November 04, 2008
THE other day, when Defrag was trying to simultaneously play FaceBreaker KO Party on the Wii and eat a fondue, it occurred to us that eating and gaming are not complementary activities.
Gamer Grub 'boosts your core gaming systems'
On the up side, we were able to get the upper hand in the game because our opponent was temporarily blinded by a molten combination of Emmenthal and Gruyere cheese, which was totally worth the fondue fork in the thigh we received shortly afterwards.
Actually, none of that is true. It was a chocolate fondue. Like a good politician or your parents, Defrag is making stuff up for your own good. We wanted to highlight the dangers of eating and gaming, because of the horrifying statistic, which we also just made up, that 75 per cent of admissions to emergency rooms around the country are gamers who have broken their ankles by tripping over old pizza boxes.
Eating and gaming has long been an issue of concern, primarily because gamers eat like kids at a slumber party, and it's about time somebody did something about it.
Now at this point, you're probably thinking: isn't that nice? Somebody has released a cookbook with some quick, easy to prepare, nutritious recipes that lend themselves to being eaten from a bowl while sitting on the lounge or in front of the computer.
This causes Defrag to smile condescendingly, while patting your head and making a mental note to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge some time, so charming is your naivete. We live in a world where companies take water, add sugar and caffeine and some token healthy ingredients and give it a name like Smart Water, Nutrient Water or Vitamin Water. A world in which Coca-Cola runs ads noting that the drink is free from preservatives and artificial flavours, leaving you to infer that it is in fact some sort of health tonic.
So, of course, that's not what happened. What happened was someone in the US devised a range of snack foods specifically targeting the gamer market.
According to the website, Gamer Grub comes in an ergonomic package for quick dispensing and the contents are free of keyboard destroying crumbs or greasy-finger rendering properties.
That's not all. Gamer Grub also "boosts your core gaming systems, such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes for maximum gaming performance". That's pretty impressive when you consider that the ingredients of the Strategy Chocolate (each of the four products are designed for a different type of gameplay) snack are "almonds, chocolate raisins, cherries, white chocolate chips".
Defrag is annoyed we've wasted all this time eating fish, when chocolate was the real brain food - although, if that's the case, we should be some sort of superfreak genius by now.
Perhaps it's the cherries. Defrag's anti-Cherry-Ripe agenda is well known.
Besides, if the makers were serious about catering to the needs of the gamer, they'd just devise some way to deliver a combination of cola and pizza in a drip.
TOP 10
This week:
A prototype Citroen unveiled at the Paris Motor Show was originally designed for the computer game Gran Turismo. Here are the top 10 signs your car was based on one from a computer game.
10. No matter how many dings you get when out driving, the next time you go to the garage it is miraculously back to showroom condition.
9. WII-ing is how you drive instead of why you stop.
8. You can magically accelerate to the next location using a cheat sheet and a strange combination of button-pushing.
7. It features a compartment specifically for turtle shells.
6. By simply stopping in a white square, your car is automatically refuelled, serviced and fully repaired in less than 5 seconds.
5. The engine is an Intel Quad Xeon.
4. Your car can drive perfectly fine upside down.
3. You can control whether your car is an automatic or a manual via a preference setting, but your seat and steering wheel are fixed and can't be moved.
2. Cross hairs etched into the windscreen.
1. It does 500km/h, stops on a 20c piece, can do 25G around a corner, and can crash into a wall and not get a scratch.
Contributors: Cliff Hughes, Edward Mallett, Michael Norbat, Soon Van, Tim Borten, Ian McColl, Cameron Coad, Jelina Korhecz, Graham Wilcox and Anthony Long.
Next week: Mail Goggles is a Gmail feature which prevents sending that drunken email to an ex by requiring the user to answer a maths problem before sending email late at night on weekends. Send us your suggestion for other ways Google should stop you making a fool of yourself. Answers by Thursday please to OzDefrag@Gmail.com